Growing up, I remember hearing that famous line from the movie Bambi when Thumper says, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all." Sadly, I don't think I've ever quite mastered the practice, but I do believe that being able to hold one's tongue is a sign of strength and class. I try to teach the sentiment to my kids, and we tend to live by this standard at home. The idea is simply to avoid offense and discord by keeping our negative comments in check. But sometimes it's not just negative comments we need to be careful with. I've said plenty of things over the years in jest, or even with sincerity, without realizing how those statements affected my audience. On the other side of the coin, I've also been the recipient of such comments that were a bit like salt in a deep wound that most people around me didn't know about. So what are these comments that we should avoid, especially with adoptive families or those considering adoption?
Here are my top 10 (Actual comments I've heard over the years):
"I bet you'll get pregnant after you adopt; it always happens that way." - For families who've battled infertility, this statement minimizes their struggle. People tend to say this as a means of encouragement, but usually don't realize that it also resigns the adoption experience to an instrument used to get something better later. For any adoptive child who may hear it, it wounds their sense of value and identity.
"You need to start thinking about having a family." - Society tends to expect everyone to meet certain benchmarks in life, especially getting married and having kids. But some families (many families) struggle privately and silently with infertility. We spent years trying to get pregnant, and every time someone asked us when we were going to have a baby, it hurt. Whenever we had big news to tell, everyone assumed it was a pregnancy. If you are curious about whether or not someone wants to grow their family, try asking something along the lines of, "Do you see any kids in your future?" or "Do you think you'll grow your family at some point?" Be sure to accept the answer without repeatedly returning to the question.
"Adoption is a good option if you can't have kids." - While this is generally said with the intent to sow hope for those wanting a family, it inadvertently suggests that adoption primarily serves the adoptive parent in their desire for a child. Despite the fact that adoption can provide a means to parenthood, the primary purpose of adoption is to work to redeem a truly broken and painful situation. Adoption is meant to serve the adopted child, not the adoptive parent.
"They are so lucky you adopted them." - Our definition of luck is comparative, meaning that we see 'lucky' essentially as experiencing something good when there was a high potential for experiencing something bad. In a sense, an adoptive child is indeed lucky to be safe and cared for. However, their situation is not lucky, and being adopted does not erase the great loss they have endured. This statement minimizes that loss and assumes that their struggle is over now that they are adopted, but their process of healing has only just begun with a long road of hurdles ahead.
"If you adopt, I hope you get one of the good ones and not like my friend who regrets it to this day." - Similar to some of the others, this statement insinuates that adoption serves the adoptive parent and not the adopted child. Adoption ALWAYS includes trauma, no matter the circumstances. And trauma affects mental health, physical and emotional development, and a child's sense of identity and autonomous value. To consider "poor behavior" as the result of a "problem child" instead of what it really is - communicating a problem the best they know how - we fail the very kids we are supposed to be protecting.
"They need to be more grateful. I bet some good-old-fashioned discipline would fix that." - Ah, the old 'spare the rod, spoil the child' argument. Interestingly enough, the proverb this comes from (Proverbs 13:24) suggests that if a person 'withholds' his 'rod' (or scepter in the original language, a symbol of both authority and care for those under rule), he must hate his son. But he who loves his son 'disciplines' him, which in the Hebrew is more akin to correcting, teaching, and training, than punishment. And for kids who've been through (sometimes horrific) trauma, physical and harsh discipline is antithetical to the goal of parenting. Remember, "it is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance." Have patience with your adoptive parent friends and families, knowing they are battling hurdles you may not really understand.
"You are such a great person for adopting." - Adoptive parents are not superheroes. We aren't doing anything someone else couldn't honestly do if they wanted. Many of us have gone through seasons crying ourselves to sleep or longing for just a few hours of peace. Don't take this the wrong way, but this comment usually feels like we're being told that we were called to this heroic work because we are capable of doing it on our own. Many people who've said this to me in the past never asked how they could support our family. People love to praise us for this "hard calling" but few have offered to help in tangible ways. I remember when a friend offered to take our kids out for a night so we could have some time together. That is literally the most cherished kindness I've received over the past year.
"I bet they are in heaven after what they've probably gone through." - I've said this before, but it bears repeating that adoption is not a rescue story that is over. It is a redemptive story that is ongoing, marred and weighed by pain and loss. Despite the happiest of homes post-adoption, kids struggle. Kids who've been through a lot, don't know what consistent peace, contentment, or joy is like. These emotions can actually be very scary for some of them. Learning how to manage positive emotions is an obstacle a lot of them face. It's best not to minimize that difficulty, but rather commend their progress with something like, "I'm so glad they are in an environment where they can begin to heal."
"It's a shame you have to pay that much for a child." - Adoption is expensive. But why is that? Honestly, in most cases, it is the result of means meant to protect the children from abuse, trafficking, and other horrible realities in this world. First, you don't pay for the child. You pay entities and offices for various processes (from background checks and psychological evaluations to home studies, mediation, and travel). Most adoptions cost around the same amount as a new vehicle. Yet people rarely complain about that. Is a child less valuable than a new car? It is expensive when we view adoption as a benefit to the parent. Again, we need to shift this mentality to recognize that the primary focus is the safety and well-being of a child who needs a home where he or she can begin to redeem their story.
"Their real family doesn't know what a gem they lost." - This is often said as a complement to the child. It is said with endearment and love for the adoptee as part of the family. But it also seems to communicate that the bio-family didn't value the child. This is generally not true. Children come to adoption through many different circumstances, many of which are due to economic crisis, chemical dependency, mental health hurdles, or connection to criminal behavior. These factors are often cyclical, meaning that they are generational. Parents who find themselves in these situations often had little access to support or investment to be able to escape them. We can love the adoptees in our lives by speaking about their birth families with dignity, respect, and love.
Yes! So true!