Every time I've ever told someone that I adopted a child their response has been a combination of praise, admiration, and congratulations. "Adopting is so noble" they'd communicate in some way, and it reminds me of that same naive and hopeful perspective I had when I embarked on the journey that ultimately grew our family to one of 7. Don't misunderstand me, I still advocate for the redeeming work that adoption can provide, but my experiences have caused me to see the idea as one untamed, fierce, and dangerously beautiful. When a person adopts a child, trauma comes included, prepackaged with the rest of the 'baggage' he or she brings along. It's an inherent part of its DNA and has a frustrating way of binding itself to anyone exposed to it. To adopt means to accept and embrace both the hope of it, and the hard.
I learned a lot over the years, not just from our own adoption experiences, but also from those of so many other families we've been privileged to know. In my work as a parent coach and consultant, I hear from families all the time who express their surprise and burden at the unexpected difficulties they find themselves enduring. Comments such as "I just didn't think it would be like this" and "I didn't realize his/her issues would be this hard to manage" tend to fill our initial sessions. The interesting thing is that these sentiments are not because my clients weren't trained and educated about the possibilities of all those hurdles, but because we tend to look at adoption through rose-colored glasses and fail to measure the toll these difficulties have on our mental health and our capacity as parents. It's normal, it's expected, and it's a painful reality of the adoption experience. I'll take a moment here to encourage you (the reader) with the same words I use to encourage my clients: "Yes, it's hard. But I promise that it's worth it."
Because adoption means adopting trauma, I want to share a few tips for families to navigate this truth. Just because something is hard doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. The good and right things in life are often among the hardest. And when we see the predicament of so many who are faced with horrible circumstances beyond their control, we owe it to the world we live in to consider our part in mending what is broken.
Here are 5 tips for navigating the truly hard part of adoption.
Listen to me here, do NOT make the mistake of assuming tip #1 doesn't apply to you. It applies to everyone, which is why I haven't said it yet. I wanted you to read this first! So, what is it? Number one is: Deal with your own stuff as much as you can before your child comes. We ALL have issues, and most of those issues are ones that surface post-adoption that we didn't realize we had. Take an attachment quiz, and talk to a professional about the results. Take a personality one, and do the same. Keep a mood journal, and write about the circumstances and situations that have been harder to navigate. Get to know yourself and establish a good relationship with a therapist you trust.
So you've been to therapy. Life is good. You feel "done." Sorry, but you're not. We're never done. Mental health and self-care maintenance never end. That doesn't mean you are weak, broken, messed up, or whatever other fear or insecurity that would keep you from maintaining periodic sessions with a therapist. I realize most adoptive parents aren't in therapy, "that's for the kids who've been through so much." This attitude ignores the reality of secondary trauma. Trauma is like oil, a little goes a long way and it spreads really easily. Your family will absolutely benefit from your choice to invest in your own mental health.
All the agencies ask you about your support network. Most of the time you have to name people you're close to, who you can call for help, yadda yadda. Let's be honest. Most of us write down a few names and let those people know we listed them as our lifelines, but then when the rubber hits the road, we are too embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, tired, etc to actually reach out. Why? Because they won't get it. Regular people don't get it. The hard that comes with adoption is isolating. Everyone's advice falls short and ends up feeling offensive and ignorant when you are dealing with the crazy things we deal with. One of my kids licked my face and poked his finger in my belly button constantly for months after the adoption. He was 13! ONLY my fellow adoptive parent friends could handle my venting without dismay, disbelief, or disgust. Find a community that really gets it, and CONNECT with them. In-person is best, but don't ignore online options.
When you are tired, and believe me, you will be SO tired, don't be a lazy parent. I know you don't think you will be - but you will. It's the plague of all us tired parents. Establish your rules, expectations, and the culture of your house, and then MAINTAIN that! You will be tempted to drop routine, to 'okay' the thing you originally said wasn't okay, to bend the rules because you are "just surviving." But this will inevitably cause you more anguish. Our kids from hard places NEED consistency. First, it makes them feel safe which is one of the pillars needed for self-regulation and attachment development. Second, most adopted kids don't initially have an adequate sense of abstract thought. That means they won't get it when you take a break from one thing, but not another. This will lead to conflict, resentment, and distance - the opposite of what you want to achieve. Find ways to recharge yourself, find ways to rest, and find some support. Get what you need in order to stay consistent.
Connection is vital for your mental health. It is also vital for your kids' mental health. Of course kids need to build friendships with people who have different skin colors, languages, cultural backgrounds, and more. But, they also need friends who look, talk, and think like them. This is important for a healthy sense of identity, to mitigate feelings of cultural isolation, and to help build confidence in their own voice. Find places for your kids to connect. Whether that is the church you join, community events you attend, the school you choose, the neighborhood you move to, etc. - find places for your kids to connect with others like them. Consider summer camps, local clubs, and community sports. Bonus points if they can connect in settings that provide fresh air, physical movement, and promote teamwork!
I hope these tips can help you on your journey! For resources and other tools for investing in your family's health and stability, be sure to check out my resources page HERE. Also, all clients receive access to my VIP section with custom-made printables, worksheets, and more. Reach out with any questions or concerns!
Great advice!