It's always been hard to be a teen. But I'd be willing to wager a hefty sum that it is harder now than it's ever been. With the advances in tech and social media, they are inundated with a world that promises easy connections with no legitimate depth. Depression, anxiety, and suicide are all on the rise for teens, made worse with the sudden change in social dynamics since 2020 due to the Covid19 pandemic. Despite their hundreds (or even hundreds of thousands) of followers on social media, many teens struggle with a sense of isolation, lack of purpose, and unhealthy expectations about themselves and the world around them. To top this off, there are still stigmas about mental health, seeking help, and adolescent angst about being branded the 'weirdo'. And for parents, this makes our job harder than it's ever been. How do we meet our teens' needs while still leveling appropriate expectations and limits? How do we know if our teens are among those facing these difficult hurdles?
Here are 5 signs your teen may be struggling.
Irritability. Yes, I know that teens are notoriously moody. But, we ought to be able to distinguish between the typical teen moodiness from consistent irritability or reactive attitudes. The key is how consistent this irritability is. Are your teens' good moods and pleasant days few and far between? While hormonal changes can prompt mood swings and the energy strain of physical growth can make your teens' window of tolerance smaller, grouchiness should not be a daily norm.
Isolation. Let's talk about the difference between a kid who's getting me-time (generally our introverts) and a kid who is isolating. Me-time should be enjoyable or refreshing. A kid who comes out of his or her me-time should generally be in a pleasant mood and appear re-charged. But if your teen is spending a lot of time alone, and their mood after is generally depressed and/or withdrawn, this is likely unhealthy isolation.
Sudden Changes in Interests or Style. Adolescence is a time of exploration and identity development. So, it is normal for teens to explore interests, try out new styles, and experiment with their look and even vocabulary. However, these changes should extend from a somewhat static base, meaning this behavior should not be both sudden AND drastic. Some behaviors will be sudden, and some will be drastic. But when there is a sudden AND drastic change (such as prefering bright colors on Monday to all black with chains on Wednesday), this could be an indication of trouble. Look for the anchors of style, behavior, and interests. There should be some that are steady despite the typical teen exploration.
Sudden Changes in Friend Group. Teens are dramatic, they mature at different speeds, they grow apart and get into fights, and they are notorious for their clicks. But generally, friend groups change over time and usually as individuals move away, develop other interests and hobbies, or because of specific conflict. If your teen make sudden changes in their friend group, especially if the overall interests and personalities of this group are in heavy contrast to a previous friend group, this may be a sign that something is going on. Such issues could be interpersonal conflict that they don't know how to navigate, peer pressure to behave in ways that are not endorsed by the previous friend group, or some internal conflict that they desire to hide from those who know them best.
Secretive and Private Attitude. Most adolescents struggle with self-esteem at some point. They can be easily embarrassed about their crushes, by any interests that isn't common for their peer group, or because of certain physical attributes. Hiding or avoiding these topics is normal. However, constantly shutting/locking their door, increased concern and over-possessiveness for their space or property, and secretive behaviors (like always angling their phone to respond to messages, putting passcodes on all their devices, or inconsistencies in what they say or do) can all be signs that warrant your attention.
Obviously, there are many other signs that should be on your radar, from changes in sleep patterns and diet to sudden shifts in overall mood. And remember, teens aren't the only ones who struggle with peer pressure. Many adverse behaviors are making their way to younger demographics, including sexting and substance use among pre-teens. Pay attention and be present in your kids' lives. Keep the lines of communication open, and show genuine interest in your children's concerns, interests, fears, and goals. Be involved and demonstrate your own vulnerability by being honest with them about your concerns. Find out their love language, and fill their love-tank consistently. Teen years are hard for everyone, so make sure to also give them grace - but be sure to give yourselves grace too.
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